Why didn't they ban those ghastly charity tracks? "At No1 is an appalling piece of shit released on behalf of suffering relatives; we shall only be playing a few seconds of it..."

How long before "we won't be playing this Justin Bieber hit - fans only bought it because he's pretty..."

Or "Una Paloma Blanca? Only 5 seconds of this Top Three hit because it's shit".

Here's your chart. Sadly we can't play the numbers 4, 7 and 15 as performers have speeding fines. Nor 1, 2, 6 and 9 as members of the groups have drug convictions. Likewise, Numbers 3, 5, 8 and 10 have violinists in the background who fiddled their taxes. I'm not allowed to present this show as I parked illegally last week and my producer has been done for having underage sex. Sadly the station will have to remain silent but don't worry, the new DG will sort things out... oops, sorry, he's just been fired by the Editor of the Daily Mail. Goodnight and wank you.