Rumours reach us that Tom Watson, in his campaign to become Leader of the Labour Party when Corbyn dies, either physically or politically, and then Prime Minister, has latched on to a new scandal involving millions. Smuggling. Going back years, men and women who have sneaked things into the UK without paying duty and thus committed a crime. And top of his list? Ex Prime Minister Winston Churchill. Several dozen police officers in stab jackets will break down the doors of his family homes and will seize numerous items. We gather Tom will tell the House of Commons that Churchill used cutters - for far more than chopping the ends off his smuggled cigars.

Watson is backed by his friend Top Cop Sir Bernard Hyphen-Hoare who says - sadly we wont have enough officers to investigate minor crimes like terrorism, murder, drug smuggling or cyber robbery but we are currently involved in a vital campaign to unearth perverts who, years ago, trolled discos and clubs in order to meet people of the opposite sex and sometimes - at this point Hyphen-Hoare had to excuse himself to be sick - even the same sex. Now, as we are generous and kind, we wont be prosecuting those who were under 16 at the time of picking up another person of similar age, but anyone of 16 or over who ever approached someone of 15 in the 60s, 70s, 80s or 90s had better be quaking in their boots because we are coming to get you. There will be no place to hide. And we remind you that, thanks to perverts like DLT and others, kissing or touching is now regarded as serious sexual abuse. This crusade will take up millions of police hours combing the country and should result in hundreds of new prisons built to house offenders. This is what the public want.

And if he does move into Number 10 Downing Street, Prime Minister Watson will be just the man to ensure taxes are not wasted on more trivial projects like building hospitals or schools but can be diverted into the hands of Sir Bernard Hyphen-Hoare to capture and jail real criminals.